Leaders often fail not by choosing the wrong value, but by over-indexing on a good one. Real leadership asks us to stay present with tension rather than rush to resolve it. If leadership feels comfortable, it often means something important was deferred.
Leaders often fail not by choosing the wrong value, but by over-indexing on a good one. Real leadership asks us to stay present with tension rather than rush to resolve it. If leadership feels comfortable, it often means something important was deferred.
In a recent leadership session in Singapore, I was working with a newly appointed CEO as he met with his executive team collectively for the first time.
Instead of starting with strategy or priorities, he shared his philosophy on how he expected leaders to show up.
He did it by naming a set of leadership polarities and by emphasizing the tension that exists between them.
What struck me was not just the content of the polarities, it was the way he framed them.
He did not present them as trade-offs to be managed or choices to be made.
He put AND between them.
He described four tensions that every senior leadership team must learn to hold:
At first glance, these can sound obvious. Almost benign.
But they are not.
Each pair contains two good things. Each side is necessary. Neither side works on its own.
Leaders often fail not by choosing the wrong value, but by over-indexing on a good one.
In every case, leadership breaks down when one side is used to avoid the discomfort of holding the other.
At one point, the CEO said it plainly:
"One without the other is dysfunctional."
Later, speaking specifically about collegiality and candor, he reinforced it even more directly:
Avoiding hard conversations to maintain collegiality is not leadership.
It is the absence of leadership.
That line stayed with me.
Because once you see it, you realize this is not just about any single polarity.
It is about what leadership actually demands of us.
Here is the conclusion I cannot unsee now:
Leadership is discomfort.
Not certainty.
Not control.
Not the illusion that tension can be eliminated.
Real leadership asks us to stay present with tension rather than rush to resolve it. It asks us to resist the urge to simplify what is complex, smooth over what is unfinished, or control what needs to be carried a little longer.
If leadership feels comfortable, it often means:
None of that looks like failure in the moment.
It feels reasonable. Professional. Even kind.
Over time, it shows up as hesitation, misalignment, and degraded execution.
Leadership is not about choosing the right side of a polarity.
It is about having the inner capacity to hold both sides at once:
That requires more than competence.
It requires emotional regulation, ego discipline, and maturity with tension.
And ultimately, leadership comes down to this:
It is the willingness to absorb discomfort yourself, rather than letting it spill onto the people you lead or distort how the organization operates.
That is the job.
The question this leaves me with is not whether I understand leadership, but how I practice it when discomfort shows up.
But:
Because leadership does not fail when leaders choose the wrong side.
It fails when leaders use one side of a polarity to relieve their own discomfort.
That insight alone is worth sitting with.
The essential insights from this article.
Leaders often fail not by choosing the wrong value, but by over-indexing on a good one
Avoiding hard conversations to maintain collegiality is not leadership — it is the absence of leadership
Leadership is discomfort — real leadership asks us to stay present with tension rather than rush to resolve it
Leadership fails when leaders use one side of a polarity to relieve their own discomfort
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